Two Very Pink Lines

Ken and I decided about 4 months ago while folding laundry late one night that it was now or never. We were going to try to have a baby. Ken has always been on the fence about having a baby; if it happened, great and if not then we could travel all over the world with no worries. For most of my life I was desperate to have a child. Until recently. I just graduated from a Master's program a year ago and in many ways I feel like my life and career is just starting and I wonder what a baby will do to my future. Everyone says that there is never a good time to have one and, being 35 years old, it will never be a better time. So, with a deep breath, a fold of a t-shirt and the sound of the driers whirling, the decision was made. We were going to do it and let fate take it's course.

Two nights ago, I found I had a few minutes before leaving for my kickboxing class and I had to pee so I thought, "Why not take a pregnancy test?" I'm about a week late so I might as well check. To be honest, since I have been off the pill, I have been late a couple of times so I thought nothing of it. So I sat down and peed on the stick. The stick didn't even have to think about it. There was no hesitation. It was like the stick was playing Jeopardy and only had seconds to get it's answer out before another one did, "What is two pink lines?" There was no question. I was (am) pregnant.

I started to shake. I wasn't sure how to take the news. How was I supposed to react? Cry? Laugh? Fall on my knees praising the fertility gods? But I shook. Not a big shake, just a slight vibration. I called Ken asking him to come home asap and off I went to my kickboxing class.

14 hours later. I had a dermatologist appointment because I have been getting these small skin rashes all over my belly and back. They're not very itchy but their unsightly and keep appearing. The doctor, small and sweet, looked all over my back, stom

ach, breasts and arms and diagnosed me with Pityriasis Rosea.

What is this lovely sounding disease you ask? Well, it is a skin rash caused by an airborne virus that normally appears in fall or spring. It's fairly common however there is no cure and normally takes it's course in 6-8 weeks. I am guessing that I am on week 2 or 3. Better news is that it will get worse

before it gets better. But here's the kicker...the doctor mentioned that pregnant women who contract this virus have been found to be more susceptible to miscarriages.

I was stunned. I only found out 14 hours earlier that I was pregnant and now I find out that I could have a miscarriage from this stupid, ugly, itchy skin virus? My eyes teared. I really wasn't sure what to do with this information. I still don't.

I feel like I should be celebrating my pregnancy but instead, every time I feel a cramp, bubble, anything, I wonder if I am losing it. I wonder if I should allow myself to be excited? What if I miscarry? Should I prepare myself for the worst so, if it does happen, I am not heartbroken? Does it even work that way?

Each day I find myself filled with emotions; anxiety, fear, glee, shame, wonder, curiosity. I wonder when I'll feel maternal. Like a mom to be. Glowing. Will I even get there?